Soda Pop for Breakfast

That morning, he felt like a Muppet. Like an asexual frog with no genitalia. His stomach was a mess, so instead of food, he grabbed a Diet Coke for breakfast. He gulped it in his kitchen like it was medicine. It contained a sugar substitute.

Miss Piggy had come for him last night in Hollywood. He was playing darts with his friends at the bar. She was dressed to the nine in her pink lace wings purchased from Hot Topic at the mall. That store is for every emo/goth/alternative beauty to adorn themselves. The clothes adorned them in much the same way brownie bites adorned Miss Piggy's frozen yogurt.

He didn't have a problem with fat chics, excuse his language. Curves were fine and most women look sexy with a belly pooch. What turned him off was the mixed candy bag she had purchased from Sweet Tooth. Inside was a golf ball-sized jawbreaker the color of a tie dye shirt. Miss Piggy continuously took it out to suck, then put back in. She did this while he drank his fifth mojito, which was not a faggy drink since he saw The Rock drink one at Sky Bar, and the more it went in and out of her mouth, the more he could taste the sugar in his own drink.

It was offensively close, like getting a whiff of sweaty balls in the locker room.

When he last had sex with her, she insisted on using whipped cream. Maybe this time, she'd ask for Hershey's on his nuts. She tried her best to persuade him, licking seductively and turning her tongue a grey-puise, but it failed. It felt weird not caving to his libido; he wanted to do anything that moved. Then again, too much of a good thing is disgusting. When he got home, he vomited in the toilet. He hadn't eaten anything, so it was all mojito juice.

There was nothing offensive in his kitchen, which now smelled like Pine Sol because the maid came. As he drank his Coke, he was thankful his diet started that week. There was only chicken breast, fruit and vegetables in his fridge. He wasn't vain about his weight or having a clean home. Weight comes and goes and we can all be messy pigs, but it truly made him thankful smelling disinfectant and Splenda. It cleansed his nostrils like a colonic.

No more sugary drinks at the bar.

Marcy's Playground - Sex & Candy