I've been wanting to write about this for a long time, but I haven't found the words. Approaching one's looks or lack of them, is a delicate task. Phrases must be chosen carefully, so you do not sound too self-deprecating. We learn in kindergarten that everyone is "special" and has a "unique beauty" that only they posses, but that's baloney.
Most women are judged by their looks and by other women more than men. I think men are happy when a woman's parts are in the right place and she smiles every time he's around. But women however, tend to focus on flaws, I think it makes us feel more secure in our looks.
I was thrilled the first time I saw a childhood picture of Angelina Jolie. She was chubby, big-lipped and awkward. My pictures growing up have me looking too heavy or too insecure. Not a lot has changed, except now I look
secure in pictures and
insecure in real life!
I have a big chin for a girl. A big chin period. I was teased for it throughout middle and high school and beat up twice. I always felt cursed. That's why, when I had plastic surgery in 1998, I felt like I would be free of the worries of being judged. How naive I was... because since I opted to remove just a tad off my profile instead of rearranging my whole face, I am now a girl who has had plastic surgery and STILL has a big chin. Crazy... since I paid five thousand bucks for it.
I've always liked that my face had strong features. It wasn't until I was made to feel ugly that these features bothered me. After the surgery, for years I was free of the worry. I wore ponytails, kept my back straight, and enjoyed being around people.
For some reason, in the last few years, all my insecurities have come back. I think a lot of it has to do with moving back home and subbing in my old high school. I heard the same comments from my students. I'm not teaching at the moment and I've begun hiding in my hair just like Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club.
All this realization about my looks, i.e. that I am still the person I was before, is not really a bummer. It's comforting to know where I stand on the beauty scale. I don't care what people think of me, but sometimes want to disappear. I'm not jealous of pretty girls with perfect profiles. I just imagine they live without the chip I carry.
It's a fallacy. I know I'm not ugly. One of my sixth grade girlfriends said to me after a particularly harsh teasing day at school:
I don't know why they focus on your chin so much because you're still really pretty. You should tell them that.
Yup, that'll be the day: when school bullies have that climatic moment like in the After School Specials and go "Hey - We were wrong! Let's all date Lisa!" Suuurrrreeeeee.
In high school, I wised up and made the best of things. I joined the hockey team. I came back that fall for senior year fit, curvy, and happy; endorphins do that. I can still remember the stares when I walked out of one class into another. One thing I do have, even with my big chin, is a great figure. I didn't realize it until I lost weight, but I have a long torso, round butt and B cups... very complimentary at five foot two. Hockey muscle helped.
After hockey, I never had a problem with dates.
So why am I feeling insecure? It's simple: I'm
not beautiful. I never thought I was, but now that I'm 30, I can stop kidding myself. Day in, day out, I'm cute in the right light. With a good haircut and makeup, I'm attractive. And when I'm happy and in-love, I'm pretty.
My honest opinion is that I will be beautiful when I'm 60... maybe 70. Because I think that is how long it will take to straighten insecurities and acceptance in my head. It doesn't matter what we look like, so long as we enjoy life. A friend of mine spends everyday in pain due to a botched face lift. She had another surgery to correct this, and it only increased them. Now she fights to breathe and curses the day she didn't enjoy her face. I think about her every time I wonder about changing my looks.
Thanks for reading.
